Jun 112013
 

This post is the result of thinking about another post, found here: Wild Children, at Myth & Moor.

It is always dangerous to view the myths of the past with a modern sensibility. The quandary: not much has changed in the basic machinery of being human, but we have cultural artifacts lodged deeply into every crevice of that machinery. Beyond the obvious intrusions of culture, it is impossible to extract much modernity.

We are all hobbled by that hitch, whether we feel its presence or miss it entirely.

So: can we modern humans let go of enough cultural rot and posies to get to the truth of our being?

I would say absolutely not. Not to the truth specifically.

By letting go, however, we can get to the meaning of our selves: we can shed a few historical assumptions, peel off (or step out of) some cultural norms, and be sufficiently naked and needy to see with less cluttered eyes.

(Not that we can assume that the modern life of quiet desperation overlays a much earlier one of loud, roaring desperation. The human condition is one that adapts, and is very relative. If we grow up next door to the woods, then the woods is the norm; if we grow up in Cambridge, then that is the norm. We should not take that kind of difference as much of a difference at all; it simply sets the reference point at a different emotional location.)

So by shedding, I mean getting partway back: letting go of the norm, without putting another in its place.

I hear the objection: the ultimate point of view would be to dress up in the norm of the wild as a replacement for the norm of civilization. Useless. I ask you to recognize that every norm is civilizing, even if it be cutting off hands for minor crimes, or throwing victims to the lions and laughing like fools at their fate. Barbarous as we moderns find such things, they are just cultural norms. You do not have to go far–certainly not into history–to find current examples, or substitutions, or even the raw lust of unfettered belief battering the weak into submission. It’s all still there, transmuted, or just muted.

Deep knowledge of self is therefore the same as with writing: permission to go to dangerous places, to have dangerous visions, to be willing to misunderstand, but to at least try to put a meaning to the cruelest events.

As with myths and fairy tales, described with loving detail in the linked blog post.

The tropes of the lost child, the wild child, the lost hero who returns – do these actually have much in common? Their differences are at least as important as whatever they might have in common.

I see two different themes:

One: the entitled being who must endure, and learn from, the wild in order to earn the right to govern/conquer well.

Two: the mere being who must endure, and learn from, the wild in order to survive into adulthood.

You can see immediately where I’m going here: the commonness is the tempering of the inhuman that inhabits us all. Grossly, hatefully, embarrassingly, it is the inhuman in us that gives us the emotional distance to conquer/survive. With it, we understand how a person works, and that is the root of power: you cannot control a machine without observing which lever does what. You cannot lead—armies or yourself—without both sensitivity to what hurts, and cold awareness of what fixes.

The entitled are always in want of sufficient opposition to develop real skills. The weak are always in want of sufficient will to overcome stupid fates.

The powerful always start out blind to suffering and then learn its lessons; those who suffer start with the need to survive and learn how to prosper.

The child who escapes to, or who is thrown into, the woods fits a peculiar and contradictory fact of human existence: even deep in the past, the need to shuck off the cruelest thing we desire—civilization—was strong. Civilization, of course, always wins, but only because it can carry the burdens of madness and cruelty and theft. And it can: the illusions we construct to make that true are the organizing principle of humanity.

But it is only children—famously indifferent, are young children, yet so are many adults—who are publicly allowed to have the capacity to embody both sensitivity and indifference, innocent and potency. Adults must choose one or the other: to be weakened by the stakes that emotions create and therefore subject to power, or to seize power by letting go of (or never having, or never developing) emotion. (Zen: no emotion, no power, a unique state of the mind.)

So the children go, in stories once real life does not require it: into the woods, where either by entitlement or courage they find–what? Poetry, storytelling, art?

They find meaning, the raw material of life. It’s not something we inherit from gods, or make out of whole cloth. It’s a feeling that comes from courage. Only the child who has been to the woods, and come back, has it. A privilege? No, just bad luck made good. That’s all life is about, but it is an infinite domain of sucking wounds, lost loves, unmade treasures, cruel hates. None of it matters until the child can see that he or she still matters, even in the vast, hopeless dark of the woods.

Jun 032013
 

Of all the screams I hear
from souls trapped in Life on Earth,
the saddest is this:

That the written word does not conform to my expectations.

The cry propagates because
it is not possible to observe the collision
of one’s expectations with words;
it looks instead like obnoxious weeds
about the feet and face,
twisting flesh like troll hands.

Things look wrong, in plain language,
and the subject’s mind will mint magic coins to make it stop–
it hurts to have the words battering to get in,
to get in and—-what?
Change the curtains?
Make a mess and then leave?
Upset the cupboards looking for knives?

Yes, the fear is that once the words are in,
the weasels and bears and spiders will come after.

But wait! It is not the pain of the words banging to get in;
it is the pain of trapped words,
swollen to the point of bursting,
ill-matched beliefs that strangle and maim and trap and—-
you see the cost?

The fear of what will tag along isn’t phobic;
it’s the cold job of setting one’s own fate
contrary to what’s believed,
that makes these souls belittle the hard work of
smart and empathetic-to-the-point-of-loving-hateful-things writers.

I would like to get away with sticking my fingers in my ears
and hollering back: “La-la-la-la-la,” but:
It is worth a little work
to write a poem
about why you hate poems.

May 292013
 

This poem relates the stories of 15 sets of photographs that you can find here. They are the faces of soldiers before, during, and after deployment. These are of course my own reactions to the faces, and have nothing whatsoever to do with the lives of these soldiers. Just poetic impressions, meaning dredged out of the ether to try to make sense of the changes in the faces over time.

1. I am seen,
regarded with cold eyes:
then gone.

2. A quiet man,
intense regard:
blood-hardened lips would scream if they could.

3. Yes, sir!
I’ll do it, I’ll do it:
oh my god, what I’ve done.

4. I believe in what I do,
and duty does not unwind that:
having done, I’m still here.

5. Proud,
unquestioning:
I can’t see behind me.

6. As plain as rhubarb pie,
I can see through walls:
oh my god, what I’ve seen.

7. I defy you—
no, I’ve defied myself:
like a boy to a man.

8. As open as a book,
as closed as a fist:
as confused as a jilted lover.

9. Yeah, sure;
I was never really there:
I never really came back.

10. Not sure at all,
scared, brave:
too raw to cry.

11. Whatever.
Don’t feel a thing:
wounded.

12. Firmly resolved,
in command:
Over. It’s over. It’s really over.

13. Tight-lipped innocence,
fooled by nightmares:
just tight now.

14. Maybe I could;
but this:
Check: endured.

15. Yeah, let’s go;
even sidestepping risks:
I never found Home again.

Apr 042013
 

The arc of a life is the rational part.

We have the proof of our eyes of the shape of who you are.

 

We are excited by the rainbow’s colors,

by it’s obviousness.

It’s just a trick of the light,

a coincidence of sunshine and water and eyes.

 

It is the light unseen,

in life and in words,

that is only felt, innocent of proof:

a coincidence of passion and love and honesty.

Mar 062013
 

Today was a dream come true–a cruise on Glacier Bay. I felt awash in joy all the way out, but the moment we turned around at Pacific Glacier, I felt an unmeasurable sorrow.

I am nearly exhausted emotion, overwhelmed by the majesty and complexity of the mountains and deeply sad as we leave them behind.

I want to stand up on the ship and yell, “Stop! Stop!” It’s crazy to leave such beauty behind. I want to stay here, to explore every valley and mountain until are so much a part of me there is no possibility of losing them when I depart.

There is as much to know and learn and see here as a man could wrestle with in a lifetime.

Addendum, March 6, 2013: Where did the glaciers go? Some research.

Mar 022013
 

What a mundane subject, but I like this one. A sun hat; I can feel the sun on it, I can feel how cool it is to wear.

An old straw hat as a still life study.

An old straw hat as a still life study.

A friend from Compuserve noted that this drawing reminded her of a the hat in The Little Prince that was really a picture of a boa constrictor eating an elephant. Which brought up a little story in my head, which goes like this:

If my drawing were NOT a drawing of a hat, it would be a drawing of a rope that woke up one day, and decided to disguise itself as a hat so that it could get into the closet at the front of the house to meet with its girlfriend, the saucy red and pink umbrella. Sadly, umbrella-girl was foolish and pretentious, and did not appreciate the love of the rope (a poor, twine rope, as strong as steel (well, almost) and with a heart of pure cotton love. Sigh. That’s how it goes, sometimes. The rope eventually stopped looking like a hat, and the umbrella grew old and lonely, and there came a time when all she had of the rope was this picture, which always made her sad, because, well, she could have lived a different life had she known what really mattered.

 

Mar 022013
 

A charcoal drawing from the 80s, a favorite medium of mine at the time. I can almost, but not quite, recall who this is! That’s what I get for moving around so much. This was in Alaska. I liked charcoal because it invited spontaneity, and it could be bold or gentle. Great medium.

Looking over the old drawings, I recall why I quit drawing (for decades!). I felt that I just couldn’t do it very well. (And the same was true about my writing; I judged that in far too harsh a light as well.) Those were my judgments at the time, and they came out of all sorts of insecurities. Now, I’m much more sanguine about art and creativity. Or, to put it another way: I’m strange, and it’s fun.

smile-lady-crop

Mar 022013
 

I was digging around in a closet today, and I found a plastic bin with drawings of mine from 10, 20, even 30 years ago. I found this drawing which struck me in particular; it’s a sweet rendering and I am really enjoying it.

A drawing I did, oh, maybe 20 years ago.

A drawing I did, oh, maybe 25 years ago.

Mar 022013
 

Creation is a funny thing, but what I am finding is important is that being ‘picked up’ for what you do, in whatever medium, is actually just a small part of it. (And let’s not get into how the commercial side gets messed up with people who make things that appeal, rather than creating true stuff.)

The most satisfying thing I can do as an artist (in writing, drawing, music, eidetic images before I fall asleep, day dreaming, conversations, etc.) is to just create; creation is not just its own reward; it has a life of its own, very non-objective, as magical as you are willing to risk for.When I was younger, I compared that feeling to riding an untamable horse; now that I’m 60, I find that the feeling of creation is more like a day job where you get on a bus to what might be hell, or an assembly line, rock-breaking, sexy, or some place never seen/lived before.

Wherever you go, if you are an artist, you live there like a native, and you get what you get, and the glory is more in the seeing than in the transposing. Art is really about the ability to be stupid and naked and brilliant in public, with the confidence of a brat and the vulnerability of utter loss–those places you reach for desperately, but cannot grasp. Yet.